Barbara was angry when she stalked up to us after a seminar with her husband trailing behind her. "Our marriage is in trouble because, frankly, Tyler won't talk to me. If he ever does open his mouth, it's only about him. He's just like my dad. He wouldn't talk, either." Her husband's response was, "Dang, I can't get a word in edgewise. She always dominates the conversation. And if I do say anything, she finishes my thoughts for me and then criticizes everthing I've said."
Jackson's problem was almost the same. "Alyssa refuses to join in with any of the conversations the kids and I have. We ask for her opinion but she acts bored or yawns. Often she leaves the room. She acts irritated when we laugh. I want to keep this marriage, but she's no fun at all." Alyssa sighed deeply. "I enjoy hearing them," she said. "It's just that talking is not something I feel comfortable doing. Besides, Jackson does enough for the two of us. That's all he does - talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. I wouldn't mind that so much if he wasn't always hounding me to respond." Yes, another pattern.
Both of these marriages were saved because the parties came to understand that opposites attract and they were able to make the adjustments necessary to come to a meeting of the minds.
Marriages don't fall apart simply as a result of what someone says until long after other factors have entered their reality. However, they are weakened considerably when husbands and wives don't understand that couples think and converse differently. If you're a non-talker, you probably married a talker. If you're a person who likes to talk, you probably married a non-talker. Although all of us have some things in common with those we love, in most cases, temperament rules our likes and dislikes. It also rules the way a person carries on - or doesn't carry on - a conversation.
Apply that thinking to when you first met the one you promised to love and stay with the rest of your life. Wasn't it the same back then? One of you talked a lot also. The other didn't, although the non-talker probably put out more effort to have a conversation with you. Either way, the difference in how little or how much you both communicated would have been obvious. However, because you were trying to impress and desired to be impressed during the falling in love stage, you overlooked the fact that the distinction between you was noticeable - if not to you, then to anyone else who might have been observing. It's unfair and unkind to think that, even though you were attracted to someone who was different than you, now you have a right to be upset if he or she doesn't behave the same as you?
Don't be quick to give up on a marriage just because you can't get your spouse to be more like you. Even if you should toss your present union out and opt for a new one, you'd soon discover that the next person in your life would be a lot like the one you dumped. The reason? We each are attracted to certain types of people and that seldom changes. You'd soon be facing much the same type of problems with just a little different face on them. It's far better to save your present marriage by focusing on the strengths that attracted you to your husband/wife in the first place and minimize those things you don't like.
We have tackled the issue of communication head on in all of our books and material because it is a factor in preserving marriages. We reveal why some people converse easily and others don't. We also show talkers how to reduce their talk and non-talkers how to be more communicative so they not only can protect their marriages but, if they've reached the end of their patience, they can save those marriages. You'll find us at: www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com.
Margaret Hardisty International Best Selling Author and Speaker Dr. Vance Hardisty International Speaker and Author Love Relationship Headquarters www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com.
Jackson's problem was almost the same. "Alyssa refuses to join in with any of the conversations the kids and I have. We ask for her opinion but she acts bored or yawns. Often she leaves the room. She acts irritated when we laugh. I want to keep this marriage, but she's no fun at all." Alyssa sighed deeply. "I enjoy hearing them," she said. "It's just that talking is not something I feel comfortable doing. Besides, Jackson does enough for the two of us. That's all he does - talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. I wouldn't mind that so much if he wasn't always hounding me to respond." Yes, another pattern.
Both of these marriages were saved because the parties came to understand that opposites attract and they were able to make the adjustments necessary to come to a meeting of the minds.
Marriages don't fall apart simply as a result of what someone says until long after other factors have entered their reality. However, they are weakened considerably when husbands and wives don't understand that couples think and converse differently. If you're a non-talker, you probably married a talker. If you're a person who likes to talk, you probably married a non-talker. Although all of us have some things in common with those we love, in most cases, temperament rules our likes and dislikes. It also rules the way a person carries on - or doesn't carry on - a conversation.
Apply that thinking to when you first met the one you promised to love and stay with the rest of your life. Wasn't it the same back then? One of you talked a lot also. The other didn't, although the non-talker probably put out more effort to have a conversation with you. Either way, the difference in how little or how much you both communicated would have been obvious. However, because you were trying to impress and desired to be impressed during the falling in love stage, you overlooked the fact that the distinction between you was noticeable - if not to you, then to anyone else who might have been observing. It's unfair and unkind to think that, even though you were attracted to someone who was different than you, now you have a right to be upset if he or she doesn't behave the same as you?
Don't be quick to give up on a marriage just because you can't get your spouse to be more like you. Even if you should toss your present union out and opt for a new one, you'd soon discover that the next person in your life would be a lot like the one you dumped. The reason? We each are attracted to certain types of people and that seldom changes. You'd soon be facing much the same type of problems with just a little different face on them. It's far better to save your present marriage by focusing on the strengths that attracted you to your husband/wife in the first place and minimize those things you don't like.
We have tackled the issue of communication head on in all of our books and material because it is a factor in preserving marriages. We reveal why some people converse easily and others don't. We also show talkers how to reduce their talk and non-talkers how to be more communicative so they not only can protect their marriages but, if they've reached the end of their patience, they can save those marriages. You'll find us at: www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com.
Margaret Hardisty International Best Selling Author and Speaker Dr. Vance Hardisty International Speaker and Author Love Relationship Headquarters www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com.
About the Author:
Are there problems in your marriage? You are not alone. 100's of thousands have used our marriage advice. Save your marriage today, and get separate help for women. Unique version for reprint here: We Can't Talk So Why Try To Save The Marriage?.
No comments:
Post a Comment