Tom and Susan walked into my office. No, this was not a formal session. Just a couple of friends and me sitting down to talk over their relationship. They had been fighting on a regular basis, like a couple of days out of every week. Some of it had to do with his anger, jealousy and past experiences. Some of it had to do with her sharp tongue and dominating personality.
After I listened for a while, I asked them how often they'd been fighting over the last few years. Their reply, "I think we've gone a record four weeks without fighting."
What!!? I could see that they weren't kidding. I realized right there that if they didn't do something radical, they would never save their marriage. So I asked them if they wanted to continue living in their relationship as it was right now. Both of them agreed that they hated it and wanted things to change.
After asking them a couple more questions, it became clear that they weren't dealing primarily with problems in their marriage. Their relationship was only bringing out the weaknesses and problems in their own personalities and history of experiences. Neither one of them had ever spent time working through those problems, and as a result, they were bringing their personal flaws into their union and then attempting to build a healthy relationship on the weaknesses that were rampant in their own individual lives.
The more they talked, the more we all realized that they were attempting something unfeasible. It was like building a house on a foundation filled with cracks and imperfections. Without repairing the foundation, the building would end up crooked and out of square. The cabinets would by no means fit in the corners and the doors would never close properly. Before this couple could go forward in repairing their marriage relationship, they needed to take some time working on their individual personalities and issues.
Tom really loved his wife, and it all of a sudden dawned on him that he needed to find a mentor or counselor who would help him deal with his issues of anger and jealousy, so that those things would no longer influence his relationship with her. Susan realized that she was going to have to find a mentor or counselor to help her temper her sharp tongue and learn how to quit dominating Tom.
We started Tom on our material for men, and Susan on our material for women. When they left my office they had great hope that they would be able to preserve their marriage.
We started Tom on our material for men, and Susan on our material for women. When they left my office they had great hope that they would be able to save their marriage.
My hopes are high. I'll keep you posted.
After I listened for a while, I asked them how often they'd been fighting over the last few years. Their reply, "I think we've gone a record four weeks without fighting."
What!!? I could see that they weren't kidding. I realized right there that if they didn't do something radical, they would never save their marriage. So I asked them if they wanted to continue living in their relationship as it was right now. Both of them agreed that they hated it and wanted things to change.
After asking them a couple more questions, it became clear that they weren't dealing primarily with problems in their marriage. Their relationship was only bringing out the weaknesses and problems in their own personalities and history of experiences. Neither one of them had ever spent time working through those problems, and as a result, they were bringing their personal flaws into their union and then attempting to build a healthy relationship on the weaknesses that were rampant in their own individual lives.
The more they talked, the more we all realized that they were attempting something unfeasible. It was like building a house on a foundation filled with cracks and imperfections. Without repairing the foundation, the building would end up crooked and out of square. The cabinets would by no means fit in the corners and the doors would never close properly. Before this couple could go forward in repairing their marriage relationship, they needed to take some time working on their individual personalities and issues.
Tom really loved his wife, and it all of a sudden dawned on him that he needed to find a mentor or counselor who would help him deal with his issues of anger and jealousy, so that those things would no longer influence his relationship with her. Susan realized that she was going to have to find a mentor or counselor to help her temper her sharp tongue and learn how to quit dominating Tom.
We started Tom on our material for men, and Susan on our material for women. When they left my office they had great hope that they would be able to preserve their marriage.
We started Tom on our material for men, and Susan on our material for women. When they left my office they had great hope that they would be able to save their marriage.
My hopes are high. I'll keep you posted.
About the Author:
Have you ever asked "How can I save my marriage?" You are not alone. 100's of thousands have used our marriage advice. Marriage help is available , and get separate help for men. This article, High Hopes For This Marriage is released under a creative commons attribution license.
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